What You Didn't Know...

Thoughts on pregnancy after loss

A little over a year ago we cautiously announced our pregnancy to everyone when I was 18 weeks pregnant and wouldn't you know, it upset some people that we waited so long to tell everyone. 
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You see this was our rainbow baby, our first pregnancy after experiencing two miscarriages and spending years battling infertility. While we were over the moon that we had made it to the second trimester for the first time, the fear and sadness was always in the back of our minds. 

The two years leading up to my pregnancy were the craziest, most emotional years of our lives (and I say this having just been through the newborn stage with my son). They consisted of rounds of hormones, pills, and injections, timed IUIs and two subsequent pregnancy losses. I was traveling over an hour round trip, 3-4 days a week to see a Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor and have acupuncture done. I was burning paid time off from work visiting the fertility clinic (three towns over) almost every day for bloodwork, ultrasounds, and exams. I was battling the insurance company over coverage. The medications were causing hair loss, weight gain, and extreme hormonal mood swings. I was exhausted, stressed, and sad all the time.

I know it difficult it is to support a loved one dealing with infertility and pregnancy loss. There never seems to be the right words and too often well meaning words can come out offensive. In fact my husband and I would have a good laugh at some of the outrageous things people would say to us without thinking. I'm here to tell you though, that is never, under any circumstance ok for you to get upset with someone for not sharing their pregnancy announcement with you sooner. 

To those that were upset we chose to wait to tell you about our pregnancy: Yes I finally had a successful IUI. I had my BFP and lines that kept getting darker and darker each day. What you didn't know is I saved each test and obsessively examined the lines, terrified of them growing fainter again instead of stronger. Everyday of those first 4 months I wanted to shout a pregnancy announcement from the rooftops but was also terrified of somehow jinxing myself and so I held out. The thing about multiple pregnancy loss is those two pink lines instill fear and joy in you in equal amounts. And fear and joy battle it out throughout your entire pregnancy. I panicked at every strange new sensation I felt and cried happy tears at every kick I felt and I took absolutely nothing for granted.  

My best suggestion for comforting someone who is battling infertility? A big hug and an open ear. Bring over some food and let them talk. Be silent and do not minimize their loss. 

We are in the thick of it with our sweet 8 month old baby boy, but on the final day of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I can't help but think about how many others are going through hard times right now. I worry too about what might be in store for us as we try for our second baby. Hugs to all my fellow TTC sisters, no matter what side of the journey you may be on. ​

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