Hope & Infertility

I started this blog with the best of intentions. I thought it could be cathartic to write about my experiences, and connect with so many others who are going through the same thing. I thought it could be nice to look back on our documented journey someday with baby in arms and be so grateful for what we have.

And then I lost myself.

All the photos and sad stories from other women online just suddenly became too much. It became my life, an obsession with getting pregnant and I didn’t understand this world I was suddenly in. I couldn’t entirely relate with others at the beginning of my journey. Was I sad and lost? Yes. But I hadn’t yet been through so many of the procedures and medications as others had, and it both depressed me and made me feel bad for trying to relate to others who were years into their journey.

 I saw so many of my friends still going out, drinking socially, working long hours at their job and still getting pregnant easily. I thought I could do the same. I thought I could still maintain the high carb vegetarian lifestyle that kept me thin for years, despite the warnings that carbs + PCOS = bad. I thought a couple rounds of Letrozole and I had this pregnancy thing in the bag. I thought I’d never have to hear the doctor suggest trigger shots, and IUIs and ovarian drilling.

All we have is hope, and I’ve learned to never feel foolish for being hopeful.

In other words, I thought I wouldn’t have much to document, that my journey wouldn’t be as long and emotional as so many others. I feel foolish now for being so full of hope, but none of us begin this journey thinking it will be as long as it is, do we? Never in a million years do we think that first visit at the fertility clinic will lead to cycle after cycle of trials and failures, hope and disappointment. All we have is hope to get us through some of the most trying of times, and I’ve learned to never feel foolish for being hopeful.

After an exceptionally rough cycle of failed medications, insurance coverage complications, hours of phone calls and upset friends and family who can’t understand why I haven’t been myself, I’m back to writing.  My loved ones may not know what to make of this chubby hormonal emotional wreck I’ve become, but I know there are women out there who get it.  So here’s the latest from my world:

My cycles are irregular and different each and every time and completely unpredictable. I had a pregnancy on my third round of Letrozole that resulted in a chemical miscarriage at 7 weeks. The sadness hit me hard and long. I didn’t expect that. I had one cycle without medication after the pregnancy ended and then two more rounds of Letrozole this cycle (the first didn’t work so they upped my dosage and had me start again mid cycle).

I am now finished with round 5 of Letrozole, which has not resulted in ovulation, and tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound and more information on how to time my trigger shot appropriately for an IUI. I’m hyperstimulated, and my stomach is so swollen right now I look pregnant, but if it results in a pregnancy.

So here I am, humbled and full of hope.