It has been a CRAZY few days, filled with tears, hope, anger, and when it all came together some big huge belly laughs.
After a second round of Letrozole mid cycle, my body just doesn't want to ovulate and so my doctor immediately started me on Follistim for two nights. Once an ultrasound can confirm that Follistim worked, then I take the trigger shot Ovidrel.
It has been a NIGHTMARE trying to get these two medications through CVS Caremark, who will only cover them through their own mail order specialty pharmacy. Unfortunately I needed Follistim same day and it was 8 hours on and off the phone with them, transferred from person to person each having no record of my previous calls and promising me calls back that never came. (The same thing happened with Ovidril the day before, my doctor had thought I'd be needing it the next morning and getting it approved and shipped was another 8 hour saga the day before).
So between traveling every morning into the city for bloodwork, ultrasounds and acupuncture appointments, and sneaking constant phone calls, I completely LOST it at work after they told me my Ovidrel didn't ship and there was no record of me calling (twice) to request an override for Follistim pickup at a local pharmacy. I left work early a hysterical hormonal mess (so embarrassing) but refused to give up and I finally got confirmation Ovidrel had shipped and Follistim could be picked up locally. I had to give them HELL to finally get to this point.
My husband, left for the 2.5 hour journey in rush hour traffic to get to the one pharmacy they agreed to cover the RX at before they closed and I stayed home to wait for the Ovidrel delivery. Only to open my door an hour after he left and find it sitting on my front steps. It didn't even need a signature! My husband took a vacation day to wait at home for the delivery, my dad came over to monitor the door while we went for my follow up appointment, and I left work early just to make phone calls to get my meds and none of this needed to have happened if CVS Caremark reps could have just done their jobs. This is by far the worst customer service experience of my life. But in the end I got my meds, prayed the days of stress won't hurt the effectiveness and went to inject the Follisitim with a grateful and hopeful heart. Guess what?
The medication cartridge was missing from the box. We called the emergency number at the pharmacy and spoke to a the nicest woman who said this is the craziest thing that has happened to her in all her years of being a pharmacist. 2 of the 3 other packages of Follistim she had were also missing the medicine but PRAISE BE TO GOD she had one last box with the medicine in it. (Apparently there's a nationwide shortage of this stuff).
So her husband met my husband halfway to get the medicine to us; and finally FINALLY at 10pm I administered my first injection.
What a crazy few days. I'm convinced that the Letrozole hasn't worked because of stress (there's been a lot going on at work) and this cycle just continues to be challenging to the very end. Struggles make you stronger, right?
The icing on the cake is when I opened the box of Ovidrel delivered from CVS Caremark and saw the brochure below. I started laughing like a maniac. Fertility is absolutely NOT your specialty, CVS Caremark. Women struggling with PCOS and infertility wait weeks sometimes months to get to this point in their cycle, and it is completely unacceptable that a prescription benefit provider with untrained employees almost set us back another 30-40 days in our journey and caused so much stress.
I started this blog with the best of intentions. I thought it could be cathartic to write about my experiences, and connect with so many others who are going through the same thing. I thought it could be nice to look back on our documented journey someday with baby in arms and be so grateful for what we have.
And then I lost myself.
All the photos and sad stories from other women online just suddenly became too much. It became my life, an obsession with getting pregnant and I didn’t understand this world I was suddenly in. I couldn’t entirely relate with others at the beginning of my journey. Was I sad and lost? Yes. But I hadn’t yet been through so many of the procedures and medications as others had, and it both depressed me and made me feel bad for trying to relate to others who were years into their journey.
I saw so many of my friends still going out, drinking socially, working long hours at their job and still getting pregnant easily. I thought I could do the same. I thought I could still maintain the high carb vegetarian lifestyle that kept me thin for years, despite the warnings that carbs + PCOS = bad. I thought a couple rounds of Letrozole and I had this pregnancy thing in the bag. I thought I’d never have to hear the doctor suggest trigger shots, and IUIs and ovarian drilling.
All we have is hope, and I’ve learned to never feel foolish for being hopeful.
In other words, I thought I wouldn’t have much to document, that my journey wouldn’t be as long and emotional as so many others. I feel foolish now for being so full of hope, but none of us begin this journey thinking it will be as long as it is, do we? Never in a million years do we think that first visit at the fertility clinic will lead to cycle after cycle of trials and failures, hope and disappointment. All we have is hope to get us through some of the most trying of times, and I’ve learned to never feel foolish for being hopeful.
After an exceptionally rough cycle of failed medications, insurance coverage complications, hours of phone calls and upset friends and family who can’t understand why I haven’t been myself, I’m back to writing. My loved ones may not know what to make of this chubby hormonal emotional wreck I’ve become, but I know there are women out there who get it. So here’s the latest from my world:
My cycles are irregular and different each and every time and completely unpredictable. I had a pregnancy on my third round of Letrozole that resulted in a chemical miscarriage at 7 weeks. The sadness hit me hard and long. I didn’t expect that. I had one cycle without medication after the pregnancy ended and then two more rounds of Letrozole this cycle (the first didn’t work so they upped my dosage and had me start again mid cycle).
I am now finished with round 5 of Letrozole, which has not resulted in ovulation, and tomorrow I go in for an ultrasound and more information on how to time my trigger shot appropriately for an IUI. I’m hyperstimulated, and my stomach is so swollen right now I look pregnant, but if it results in a pregnancy.
So here I am, humbled and full of hope.
I'm Jayne, a 30 something Executive Assistant living in New England with my husband, Mike, our sweet miracle baby and our Labrador Retriever. I have a passion for nontoxic living. I love coffee, recorded TV, baking, red wine, vegetarian cooking, online shopping, fashion & beauty.